Personally, I prefer my miracles to involve less vomit. I mean, some vomit. But like, maybe not almost every night of the week at the 33 week mark.
But yesterday something actually cool happened in my pregnancy (again, other than the whole human-growing-beneath-my-ribcage thing). I was lying in the bath, when all of the sudden, my stomach experienced a landslide.
Like, the whole top of my stomach just gave way and sunk back to what looked almost like pre-pregnancy levels. And then the whole bottom part of my stomach suddenly grew a couple inches.
It was so sci-fi.
So the baby dropped, meaning that now I don't get completely winded doing strenuous physical activities such as finding and putting on my shoes.
This was the cue for me to start playing what I call Labor Magic Eight Ball, when you start to go absolutely insane searching for clues as to when this baby is going to Get Out Already.
Pregnant women play this when they are so desperate for pregnancy to be over that they'll wish for something that completely re-defined my pain scale. (My pain scale used to be, "1 to 10, how bad do you feel?" Now it's, "1 to Labor, how bad do you feel?" at which point I ask myself, "Hm, do I wish my husband would actually shoot me in the head in order to stop the pain? Guess I'm not at a Labor level of pain then."
Labor Magic Eight Ball is based on the ridiculous premise that you can somehow predict when you might go into labor based on things as subjective as "Nesting." (As in, "Today I felt like vacuuming! That never happens....Am I about to go into labor?!?!")
Babies, in my experience, are about as predictable as the desert island on Season 1 of Lost. Like, just when you start to think you have it figured out, Polar Bear.
But this doesn't stop women from playing Labor Magic Eight Ball, because waiting for labor is like watching grass grow with a bowling ball sitting on your bladder. You gotta do something to pass the time.
|Oh, Magic Eight Ball, when shall I go into labor?|
Answer: Probably never.
How to Play Labor Magic Eight Ball:
1. Start plugging random symptoms into Google, such as "baby dropped how long until labor."
2. Read a whole lot of Yahoo! answers on the subject, because every desperate pregnant woman on the planet is on Yahoo! for some reason.
3. Some people went into labor the next day; others waited five weeks; others were totally induced 2 weeks past the due date. If you happen to be a hopeful person, you can go ahead and feel optimistic about the 5-week thing happening to you, but if you're a pessimist go ahead and count on the longest pregnancy possible.
4. UNLESS you have other new symptoms to report to Google. I won't go into details here, but Yahoo! will, excruciatingly.
5. So now you can do some extremely complicated algebraic equation to determine when you might (please please PLEASE God) go into labor, but only AFTER you have read every single answer about every single symptom on Yahoo!
6. All of this is about as reliable as a Magic Eight Ball, so if you owned one of those, you could probably waste a lot less time with this business.