What to Expect When You're Expecting may be the Pregnancy Bible, but I'm telling you, that book will not give it to you straight.
Luckily, I will. I am here to answer all your pregnancy questions, just like What to Expect, except, um, honest-er. (Also, I stole these questions from WebMD, which is always convincing me I have cancer, so I feel like they owe me one.)
Q: What should I do in preparation for getting pregnant?
A: Invest heavily in granny panties, flannel pajamas, and the least sexy bras you can find. There is a reason there's no such thing as a maternity thong.
Q: What should and shouldn't I eat when I'm pregnant?
A: "Shoulds" include anything that you're craving so bad it's like your body is going to throw-down and have a huge hormonal tantrum if you don't eat it in the next 20 minutes BUT you do NOT currently have said item in the house. This becomes even more of a "should" if it happens to be 2 a.m. Go to the store. Get the salt and vinegar chips and coconut-chocolate ice cream and eat them in the car, using the chips as a spoon. This is the only time in your life when this act will not be perceived as a reason to see a therapist.
"Should nots" include anything super-nutritious that anyone spent an hour preparing but then, upon that first bite, you realize you're probably going to throw up if you continue to consume. DO NOT swallow that first bite. Spit it into a napkin. Trust me.
Q: Are there activities I should steer clear of when I'm pregnant?
A: High school reunions. Also, meth.
Q: How can I safely exercise when I'm pregnant?
A: Wrong question. The correct question is: Where can I find a sports bra that will fit correctly while I'm pregnant? And the answer is: Nowhere.
Q: What can I do to relieve or prevent pregnancy symptoms like nausea, vomiting, heartburn, leg cramps, and hemorrhoids?
A: Have the baby.
Q: When should I call my doctor between regular prenatal visits?
A: When your bladder goes on furlough in the middle of the night and you think maybe your water broke but really you just peed yourself; when you slip in the mud and break a flip-flop and fall hard on the concrete but not on your belly thank God but you're still worried that the baby might be hurt; when you haven't felt the baby kick for hours and hours and you're freaking out because of that one story you read online during pregnancy loss awareness month but as soon as you get to the doctor's the baby starts doing the macarena; when your back starts cramping weirdly, and it is totally rhythmic and you read that's a sign of labor but upon taking the doctor's advice to lie down you realize you're not actually in labor, you're just tired of doing dishes; and when you need a prescription for something you didn't know you could get over-the-counter.
Q: How can I make a birth plan for labor and delivery?
A: By deluding yourself into thinking you have even a modicum of control over what will happen to you.
Q: How can I prepare for breastfeeding?
A: Wear nothing but a shawl over your bare chest in a coffee shop and ask your partner to suddenly flip it up at random intervals.
...I would tell you more, ladies, but the child is crying. This is how most of my blog posts end, anyway.
Also, I've decided to include a moderately relevant picture:
I thought about including a picture of the bump, but this one had more confetti.